My heart turns violently inside of my chest~

Current musical inspiration: "More Than Words" -Extreme

I have some thoughts that have been building for a while, and they just recently came together in a complete connection. This week, I was blessed to come across the website, www.iamsecond.com. (Thanks, Chris). It's basically a sight where people share their stories of their own struggles, and also share the light that they've found in Jesus Christ. I was completely overwhelmed and amazed at how open and vulnerable these people were being, where anybody in the world could see it. The one that hit me the most was Brian Welch's story on his drug addictions (former bassist for the band, Korn). I was drawn to his video in the first place because he looks so rough around the edges in his picture. Just by looking at his face- at his eyes- you can tell that he has been through SO much; more than I could ever even imagine. But when he started to talk in his video, I could see the light that he had found. He was allowing God to run through him and embrace him, and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. All I could think about after I watched it was, "I want to be as real and genuine in my faith as this man."

Earlier this week, I watched a documentary in Modern Dance on Bill T. Jones's work, "Still/Here". It's a choreographed piece inspired by people who suffer from terminal illnesses. Well first of all, I was a total basket case the entire time. My heart was wrenching and tears were running down my face by the end. The documentary showed his entire process in creating this piece. Journalist Bill Moyers describes this process as this: "At workshops around the country, people facing life-threatening illnesses are asked to remember the highs and lows of their lives, and even imagine their own deaths. They then transform their feelings into expressive movement, which Jones incorporates into dance."

There was a moment during one of the workshops where a woman dealing with cystic fibrosis made a gesture (when asked to do so, to describe how they were feeling). She was reaching out with one hand, but then holding herself back with the other. She described what she was trying to illustrate as the frustration with wanting to reach out and help people, but feeling held back by her illness.

This woman was not a trained dancer. She was weak and small, and her movement was not the most graceful. But she was dancing. And more importantly, she was communicating. I started to think about dancers who have had years of training; who are borderline perfect in technique. They are graceful and lovely, and they move with a fluidity that takes your breath away. But something that sometimes lacks is the communication. It's the heart of it; the roots and wings of dance. The intentional conversation that you have with the audience. This woman, who was not a dancer at all, communicated her pain and frustration so clearly, and yet so simply. I must admit, it even shocked me.

My thought process has led me to this: I will be bold and say that if the misinterpretation of what it means to be a Christian is that I must know all the rules, pray at a certain time every day, do a certain amount of "good things", look like I know what I'm doing in front of others, never mess up, read a set amount of verses or chapters from the bible, or be in certain friend groups, then I will run from it. I desire a real, genuine, close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I will not fall into the lifestyle of living off a "checklist".

Lyrics from a song that inspired me at Oasis last night:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

The link to Bill T. Jone's Documentary: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/archives/billtjones_stillhere_flash.html

I highly suggest you take an hour to watch it. It is truly amazing.

_SEA

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned...

Hello beautiful people, beautiful world :).

I hope that as you are reading this, you are well. I hope you found something that made you laugh today, or at least smile (even if it's one of those half-grin ones). I have recently discovered a website called grooveshark (www.grooveshark.com), which has proven to be a great source of musical kicks and giggles. It's like Pandora radio, but you actually get to choose your own playlists. That being said, the current music of choice is the Robbie Seay Band (thank you, Katie!). I highly suggest it.

I hope your break has been restful and productive...or something of that nature. I know I definitely needed a rest. And even though a lot has happened over this break for me so far, I still feel like I've been able to stop and take a breath. I've been through some pretty intense things over the past weeks though. Indy Christmas Conference was like a blast of cool air. I learned a great deal, I was in the presence of approx. 2,000 other believers, God convicted me to act on some things that I was wrestling with in my heart, and to top it off-- I had an absolute blast. I'm just gonna highlight some of the best things:

1. Rooming with Ellie, Beth and Kaleigh for the week. SO good!

2. Our started and failed quote book for the week

3. Chris Helgeson showing up to pick the boys up in his huge van...and introducing himself with an accordion in hand

4. Rooming right across the hall from Dave, Drew, and two of their other friends from Miami :)

4. Josh Coy as the emcee

5. Exploring Indy with Erica on the first night. Just two curious little girls.

6. Everyone being there to learn and bond in fellowship. I was inspired by all the seeking hearts.

7. The home that I found in our Bowling Green group

8. The "Discerning God's Will" seminar

9. Seeing my worlds collide! Best example: seeing Ben Andrews and Katie Barnett work together to start the outreach day. I couldn't stop smiling whenever I saw them together. They are both from such different parts of my life, and I loved watching them interact.

10. Humbling myself under God to hear His voice

11. Meeting AJ, Beth's man!

12. The worship / prayer session to bring in the new year. Wow. What a powerful experience.

13. Very unlike previous parts of my life, actually wanting to go out and meet new people.

14. Black Eyed Peas- "I Gotta Feelin'"

15. Sitting with Ellie on the beds going back and forth coming up with "C" things in preparation for the C themed party that night...and just being absolutely absurd about it.

16. The support that I felt from my good friends

17. Feeling God wrapping His arms around me

18. The outreach day in general, and meeting a great friend named Zach Brittenham!

19. Walking in to 21+ bars unknowingly TWICE, and being refused service. Haha.

20. Drew Kelley's costume for the C party-- a cardigan

21. James McDonald, and how he made a blood vessel in my eye pop! Lol who does that?!

22. Seeing fellow BG'ers jammin' out with their banjos and guitars, and one of the hotel workers coming to join them

23. Talking to Alyssa Schlegal until 3 a.m. one night-- and learning the same night that it is (apparently) possible to break a finger by poking it into someone's fat

24. The great moments where you just breathe in a huge breath of peace and satisfaction

25. Little moments where I got to connect with Sandy Rieske and Amy Sieffert

So there's just a little taste for ya. I loved conference, and I hope I get the chance to go back next year :).

As for the here and now, my mom's having surgery tomorrow to get her thyroid taken out. Prayers would be fantastic. Apart from that, I have really been praying and thinking about summer project (www.gosummerproject.com). I'll keep y'all updated as things come along. I haven't sent in my application yet, though.

I'm thinkin a little road trip will be happening later this week. A kind of last hoorah for break.

Pictures of conference will be up soon!

_SEA

Good Things List

So this has been the running trend for a while, I suppose. I first heard about it through Erica, when she was going through a hard time. And then Jacintha and I created a pretty general one. And then my dear friend Katie Barnett made one not long ago, and I feel like I would like to follow suit! It's a "good things list", and basically it is a list of all the things that make me smile or give me an constant sense of gratitude. I would love to share this with y'all, in hopes that maybe one or two of them could brighten your day.

Good Things List

1. New kinds of teas and the million different ways there are to make it.

2. Finding really funny ways of scaring the crap out of people by jumping out at them and startling them. There is honestly nothing funnier in the entire world.

3. The sound of Red Wanting Blue

4. The passion of Honor by August

5. The sound and passion of Glen Hansard ;)

6. Paul Hemminger's laugh, and the way his joy fills a room

7. When you're exclusively with the same group of people for a few months, and it's come down to your last day together. You look around the room and realize that the bond you've created with these people is unbreakable and will be completely unlike anything you will experience for the rest of your life.

8. The breath of air that you gasp to take in after you've jumped/leaped/climbed somewhere that's technically illegal for you to be, and you realize you're safe...for the moment.

9. Half sitting, half standing in the back of a pickup truck, screaming at the top of your lungs and laughing uncontrollably as you go speeding down some back country road.

10. Arriving somewhere you've never been before, and having incredibly high expectations for all the beauty you will find there.

11. Seeing something beautiful in everything. Life is a gift, my friends.

12. The way I feel like the most special girl in the world when my brother, Jared, takes my hands, looks me in the eyes, and tells me that I'm pretty.

13. Saying the word, "sheeps", even though the correct plural form is "sheep".

14. God's unending grace, and His promise to fulfill us with His salvation and perfect love!

15. Days with no technology

16. Lighthouses, and how mysterious they are to me.

17. The annual lake trip with my best friends-- and the fact that they have stayed my best friends for so many years.

18. The moment when you think you've figured someone out-- and then realizing that there's just way too much to that person to ever truly figure them out.

19. Bagpipes

20. Moments of natural splendor in the nature that God created

21. A split second when you're dancing a piece that you've rehearsed over and over- and you realize that you are projecting and connecting with every single person in the audience. And that just pushes you to give even more.

22. "Walking the stage" before a performance

23. Jazz cello

24. Chords that make you tear up automatically when you hear them.

25. Coming across someone playing a grand piano on a stage in an empty auditorium. They think they're alone, and they think they're playing for no one but the ghosts of wanting hearts that were there before. But you stay there in the silence and shadow and close your eyes and listen.

26. Andy (my sister's fiancee) hugs- and how it just engulfs you.

27. Hole-in-the-wall restaurants

28. A good handshake

29. Erica Reese- and how she is the most genuine person I know.

30. Finding a locked door to some abandoned building and being able to open it with a random object.

31. The sound of an acoustic guitar when everything else around you is silent.

32. Hitting a quint with a rifle PERFECTLY on the first try. (For all those who don't know-- yes, I used to spin rifles).

33. Living at St. Tom's, and the fact that I could have filled up at least 50 more spots with all the things I love about the people there.

34. My Uncle Joe's annual Pig Roast

35. Katie Barnett's eyes- and how just one look at them today made me immediately think about how beautiful of a woman she is.

36. Cane's. Mmmmm Cane's.

37. Times Square at about 10:30 p.m.

38. Looking at my dad, and knowing exactly what he's thinking.

39. Talking through plastic cups and a string that attaches them.

40. Father Mike at 80's night...with his Priest attire and a rainbow fro wig.

41. Christie Mook's girly behavior. I truly think I started to appreciate my femininity more because of how much I love her.

42. When my Granny calls me "Missy Lou".

43. Realizing that I will never have full control in my life, and imagining myself standing in the waves at an ocean with my arms outstretched and just letting it slip away.

44. Speaking in a Scottish accent

45. Operating a chain saw

46. Learning how to drive stick from learning how to drive a tractor.

47. The Arter family

48. Huge storms

49. Wakeboarding

50. Nyoh's: the place where I line dance, where my sister teaches line dancing, and where she got proposed to. It's a "home base" for me.

51. Finding a lamp post that shines as snow is falling at night.

52. Story time with Michael Bialorucki.

53. Milk

54. Matt Horn. Just...Matt Horn.

55. The Mozart Requiem sung by Capital University's Choral Ensemble

56. Singing with Ella Duda-- and all the strawberry goodness that comes from it.

57. Julianne Judge's beautiful spirit

58. The Book Loft- how it is just a maze of 32 rooms full of any kind of book you can imagine!

59. Listening to Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong- lying on your back on a wood floor in a country house in the summer.

60. California stars.

61. Kent Darr's mad cooking skills

62. A good, long-lasting inside joke

63. Believing in Leprechauns and Santa Claus

64. Singing lullabies and rocking a baby to sleep

65. Reflections on large bodies of water

66. Galloping on a horse

67. Hot baths

68. Giving someone a gift that makes them tear up because of how much it means to them.

69. Leonardo da Vinci

70. Recalling something from your memory that you had forgotten about for years, and when you randomly reflect on it, it evokes some kind of crazy emotion that almost seems to be TOO intense.

71. Snowflakes that land on your eyelashes and in your hair- and it's cold enough outside that they are clearly visible for a while.

72. Being proud of who you are, without a trace of arrogance.

73. Whispering a prayer

75. Killer Bunnies

76. The way my mom strokes my hair and it automatically makes me go to sleep.

77. Trains

78. The Fantasticks

79. The color turquoise

80. Believing in something/someone. Pushing harsh reality aside (even if just for a moment) to soak in that magic.

This is not the end. I will continue to add to this as I come across things or remember things. Thank you for reading :). God bless you!

_SEA

Sardines and a Really Good Clock

Welcome :).

This is new to me, and technology proves to be a constant challenge for me to understand and work with. THAT being said:

This is my first blog! I am happy to try to create something that will help me open my thoughts to the ones that I care about. Lord knows I am much better at writing things out than actually conveying my thoughts through conversation ;). So thank you for taking the time to read.

Before I go into my thoughts for the evening, I would ask that you take a second to read this poem: http://www.katsandogz.com/onreason.html <---( click there)

It the basis for the name of my blog, "Rudder and Sails". I won't say anything else about it for now. I'd just like to give you that insight to my reasoning behind it.

Tonight I found some inspiration for a new song. As I was playing "sardines" with the Cru servants, I stepped into a lonely little room in the corner of the church we were in. I was drawn to it mainly because of the lighting: how things almost looked like water because of how dim and soft the spare light made everything seem. Plus, I feel like there will always be something about vacant rooms with character that will fascinate me as long as I live. When I stepped into the room, I just stood there for a while and took everything in. Thought: "This is a moment. This is something seemingly ordinary." But to me, it just kept becoming more and more mysterious. I found myself even getting dramatic about it. I had shifty eyes and a half smirky/grin on my face, and I wiggled my fingers. I shifted my weight, forward and back, as if I was about to sprint somewhere. I turned around and found a clock on the wall. It was broken, but I loved the look of it immediately. I reached up and touched it. I started to move the hands on the clock back and forth, as if to attempt to change time. And that got me thinking: what is it about our lives as human beings that has us enchanted at the idea of taking time into our own hands? Discontent? Hunger for power? A genuine curiosity? Regret?

The image of a human hand reaching to touch the hands of a clock has stayed in my mind all night. This will be the outlet for the next song.

_SEA