My heart turns violently inside of my chest~

Current musical inspiration: "More Than Words" -Extreme

I have some thoughts that have been building for a while, and they just recently came together in a complete connection. This week, I was blessed to come across the website, www.iamsecond.com. (Thanks, Chris). It's basically a sight where people share their stories of their own struggles, and also share the light that they've found in Jesus Christ. I was completely overwhelmed and amazed at how open and vulnerable these people were being, where anybody in the world could see it. The one that hit me the most was Brian Welch's story on his drug addictions (former bassist for the band, Korn). I was drawn to his video in the first place because he looks so rough around the edges in his picture. Just by looking at his face- at his eyes- you can tell that he has been through SO much; more than I could ever even imagine. But when he started to talk in his video, I could see the light that he had found. He was allowing God to run through him and embrace him, and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. All I could think about after I watched it was, "I want to be as real and genuine in my faith as this man."

Earlier this week, I watched a documentary in Modern Dance on Bill T. Jones's work, "Still/Here". It's a choreographed piece inspired by people who suffer from terminal illnesses. Well first of all, I was a total basket case the entire time. My heart was wrenching and tears were running down my face by the end. The documentary showed his entire process in creating this piece. Journalist Bill Moyers describes this process as this: "At workshops around the country, people facing life-threatening illnesses are asked to remember the highs and lows of their lives, and even imagine their own deaths. They then transform their feelings into expressive movement, which Jones incorporates into dance."

There was a moment during one of the workshops where a woman dealing with cystic fibrosis made a gesture (when asked to do so, to describe how they were feeling). She was reaching out with one hand, but then holding herself back with the other. She described what she was trying to illustrate as the frustration with wanting to reach out and help people, but feeling held back by her illness.

This woman was not a trained dancer. She was weak and small, and her movement was not the most graceful. But she was dancing. And more importantly, she was communicating. I started to think about dancers who have had years of training; who are borderline perfect in technique. They are graceful and lovely, and they move with a fluidity that takes your breath away. But something that sometimes lacks is the communication. It's the heart of it; the roots and wings of dance. The intentional conversation that you have with the audience. This woman, who was not a dancer at all, communicated her pain and frustration so clearly, and yet so simply. I must admit, it even shocked me.

My thought process has led me to this: I will be bold and say that if the misinterpretation of what it means to be a Christian is that I must know all the rules, pray at a certain time every day, do a certain amount of "good things", look like I know what I'm doing in front of others, never mess up, read a set amount of verses or chapters from the bible, or be in certain friend groups, then I will run from it. I desire a real, genuine, close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I will not fall into the lifestyle of living off a "checklist".

Lyrics from a song that inspired me at Oasis last night:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

The link to Bill T. Jone's Documentary: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/archives/billtjones_stillhere_flash.html

I highly suggest you take an hour to watch it. It is truly amazing.

_SEA

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned...

Hello beautiful people, beautiful world :).

I hope that as you are reading this, you are well. I hope you found something that made you laugh today, or at least smile (even if it's one of those half-grin ones). I have recently discovered a website called grooveshark (www.grooveshark.com), which has proven to be a great source of musical kicks and giggles. It's like Pandora radio, but you actually get to choose your own playlists. That being said, the current music of choice is the Robbie Seay Band (thank you, Katie!). I highly suggest it.

I hope your break has been restful and productive...or something of that nature. I know I definitely needed a rest. And even though a lot has happened over this break for me so far, I still feel like I've been able to stop and take a breath. I've been through some pretty intense things over the past weeks though. Indy Christmas Conference was like a blast of cool air. I learned a great deal, I was in the presence of approx. 2,000 other believers, God convicted me to act on some things that I was wrestling with in my heart, and to top it off-- I had an absolute blast. I'm just gonna highlight some of the best things:

1. Rooming with Ellie, Beth and Kaleigh for the week. SO good!

2. Our started and failed quote book for the week

3. Chris Helgeson showing up to pick the boys up in his huge van...and introducing himself with an accordion in hand

4. Rooming right across the hall from Dave, Drew, and two of their other friends from Miami :)

4. Josh Coy as the emcee

5. Exploring Indy with Erica on the first night. Just two curious little girls.

6. Everyone being there to learn and bond in fellowship. I was inspired by all the seeking hearts.

7. The home that I found in our Bowling Green group

8. The "Discerning God's Will" seminar

9. Seeing my worlds collide! Best example: seeing Ben Andrews and Katie Barnett work together to start the outreach day. I couldn't stop smiling whenever I saw them together. They are both from such different parts of my life, and I loved watching them interact.

10. Humbling myself under God to hear His voice

11. Meeting AJ, Beth's man!

12. The worship / prayer session to bring in the new year. Wow. What a powerful experience.

13. Very unlike previous parts of my life, actually wanting to go out and meet new people.

14. Black Eyed Peas- "I Gotta Feelin'"

15. Sitting with Ellie on the beds going back and forth coming up with "C" things in preparation for the C themed party that night...and just being absolutely absurd about it.

16. The support that I felt from my good friends

17. Feeling God wrapping His arms around me

18. The outreach day in general, and meeting a great friend named Zach Brittenham!

19. Walking in to 21+ bars unknowingly TWICE, and being refused service. Haha.

20. Drew Kelley's costume for the C party-- a cardigan

21. James McDonald, and how he made a blood vessel in my eye pop! Lol who does that?!

22. Seeing fellow BG'ers jammin' out with their banjos and guitars, and one of the hotel workers coming to join them

23. Talking to Alyssa Schlegal until 3 a.m. one night-- and learning the same night that it is (apparently) possible to break a finger by poking it into someone's fat

24. The great moments where you just breathe in a huge breath of peace and satisfaction

25. Little moments where I got to connect with Sandy Rieske and Amy Sieffert

So there's just a little taste for ya. I loved conference, and I hope I get the chance to go back next year :).

As for the here and now, my mom's having surgery tomorrow to get her thyroid taken out. Prayers would be fantastic. Apart from that, I have really been praying and thinking about summer project (www.gosummerproject.com). I'll keep y'all updated as things come along. I haven't sent in my application yet, though.

I'm thinkin a little road trip will be happening later this week. A kind of last hoorah for break.

Pictures of conference will be up soon!

_SEA