Thoughts for the Holiday Season

I'm inspired to write. I want to keep sharing. I want to stay motivated to do this blog thing.

So here we are: in December. Those who know me, know that I get incredibly excited around this time of year. There are already some pretty incredible things that have happened this holiday season, and it's NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS YET.

Some moments:

-Sitting in the passenger seat of my brother's car, talking to Jared, who was sitting beside me in the driver's seat. It was 1:00 in the morning, and we were eating little debbie's snacks and drinking beverages. I remember the dim light hesitantly glaring at me from my neighbor's lamp post across the street, seemingly further than it really was from my side of the windshield, I remember looking up into the sky and telling myself not to forget those stars, I remember how cold my feet became after a while, the way Jared's voice seemed to echo in my ears, how close the car was parked to the curb, and the way my coat felt against my skin. But mostly I remember feeling so incredibly loved from that conversation we had, so proud of what a man of character my "little" brother is becoming. This wasn't one of your typical sisterly moments, either. If this part of the story were a fairytale, I would have told Kings about this man. I would have written parables and screamed to the heavens about the glory that is in a man forging his path out of a sought love for a God who saved us. Tears do not suffice this time. Neither does singing. Nor dancing. Nor any other artistic expression that makes the earth tremble with its likeness to a wind that has seen everything in its free graze under the skies. I am silent. And I simply stretch my arms and thank my God for His passion and relentless pursuit in US.

-Feeling the first snow before I saw those crystal flakes floating down that day. I was with Cassy Hintz, and we were cold in Panera. We tried to do homework, but got distracted. We both noticed a man strutting by outside; short-sleeved and cigarette-smoking, and we couldn't contain our giggles. It was winter in our hearts, the fun kind. We left before our toes froze. As we ran outside, laughing and ready to go find some "good" hot chocolate in Wal-Mart, we saw the first snow of the year. We ran down the alley, splashing in our made-up puddles, looking up at the dim orange lights like little girls at a circus. We made wishes. And it became magic.

-A sweet conversation with Angelica De La Torre. We were practicing for the Variety Show that was to happen in a few days, and found a cozy little corner in the Union to whip out that guitar and sing together. Minutes ticked on and singing turned into blushing when a large group of fancy looking people walked by, which then turned into more singing and then a laugh or two, and then words exchanged which became like drops of rain colliding together in a great pool of sweet blessings. This girl is a lifegiver, and the love of Christ shines through her beauty. I think we both felt a little "out of it", and we both kept claiming temporary insanity. And it was sweet like the sweetest honey, because God held us in His palm that day, and we both knew it by the time we left.

I am thankful for moments like these, that make the holidays NOT so special. Yes, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I mean it. God shows Himself in the simplest ways sometimes and it doesn't take Christmas to do it. But you've got to open your eyes. Open up your child-like eyes today. Watch what God can do.

P.S. Some roommates and I are joining Amy Seiffert on her quest of wearing one dress for a month (she's doing six months, the beautiful woman!). It's to raise awareness and raise money for The Daughter Project, a Christian organization that mobilizes and restores women who have been sexually trafficked and /or abused. Here's one of Amy's blogs about it:

http://www.amyseiffert.com/?p=1157

If you go to her blog and look at other posts, she has picture up of daily dress-wear. It's pretty fantastic.

Also: I came up from work last night at 4:00 a.m. to find Kristin Wilson and Cassy Hintz giggling in my bed. I thought it was a creepy girl under my covers so I came in screaming profanities and ripped the covers off of them before I found out who/what it was.

4:00 a.m.

Have a wonderful day :)

_SEA

Christmasssss....

Christmas season is upon us! For all those who hate any kind of mention of Christmas before Thanksgiving is over, I do apologize in advance. I just get really excited about this time of year. And come on, who could blame me? The celebration of the birth of our Lord, time with family, cold weather, trees inside houses, baking, lots of music, etc... all of these things are so wonderful; not to mention the Christmas tree lighting that my man took me to last night and that ridiculous holiday parade that went right past my house this morning ;). How could I not start thinking about it, with this town doing everything in its power to get people in the spirit?

One image will remain the most sacred to me during this time of year (and any other time of year, really...but especially now). And that is this:

The metaphorical and sentimental significance of a lamp post have remained in touch with my heart, and I will be on the look out for them as the snow falls and we trudge further along this snowy walk into December.



_sea

That Beautiful Thing

As I sit here and try to come up with the words to dictate my flood of emotions, the only thing that remains clear is a vivid picture of something. For the sake of challenging creativity, I'm not going to tell you what that "something" is. Just picture something beautiful; something so glorious that it makes you sweat with anticipation of seeing and touching it in real life. Something that brings you an ounce of comfort in your times of greatest agony. Picture it. And know that it comes from something much greater than we can create.

Friends, I let some pretty hearty lies get to me today. I've often gotten made fun of for my sometimes "overwhelming positive attitude." But not today. No, today I let myself sink. I wallowed and I cried. I was believing lies of not being good enough, not having the right motivation, not respected, not worthy, not capable, not clean. I walk in the light with these things because I believe that we all struggle with overcoming these lies, and because I want to take the chance to love you by letting you into my life. A few conversations with some people that I love snapped me back into truth, and that's what I want to write about. I want to write about the Godly love that was shown to me through these conversations. I was inspired to picture my "beautiful thing" during these conversations, and it stays with me even after the conversations are long over. It is a stunning view, friends, and one that I cannot compare to much else that I have seen in my lifetime. The truth that love speaks is a sacred heartbeat in this worldly place, and I feel it in my chest. And I write because I want it for you as well, but you must open your heart. You must be vulnerable. You must be willing to ask yourself the hard questions that make your stomach wrench, and then actually be willing to answer them.

There is life in places where we only let ourselves see death. My advice is this: do not put God in a box, and let Him see you- especially in the places of your heart that you want to hide the most.

Search me, O God, and know my heart

Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me

and lead me in the way everlasting!

[Psalm 139:23-24]

A precious thought

So it has been a while. And I have always promised myself that I wouldn't be one of those people who starts blogs and then just stops writing due to laziness. But here we are and every day is new :).

I promise, this won't be another one of my long-winded updates. I just have a thought for you.

Last night, my sister and good friend, Katie Barnett, posed the question: "If you truley knew that your heart was a valued treasure of the kingdom, how would you live your life differently?"

Ah. I thought. And at the moment, I became frustrated in that I couldn't think of a specific thing. So we talked it out (over facebook chat, no less), and she brought up some ideas that turned my wheels. But the underlying truth for me is this: we are not our own. We make decisions that effect our lives and others because we are stewards of our bodies while we're on this earth. Whether we are good stewards or not is something that we will be held accountable for later. But let me say this, friends: you, as a soul, are treasured deeply by our Creator. The unmeasurable joy, pain, depth and experience that you endure is close to God's heart, and He feels you. He feels you and every prick that makes your body tingle in this journey that you take, more than any other human being can even come close to understanding.

Tread. And tread knowing that your heart is so preciously cherished.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VAkOhXIsI0

I love.

Blue: the ocean only in the way that God sees it, a little boy handing his mother some bachelor button flowers, a dark bruise from a fight in the street, blueberries on a fence post, poison dart frogs, blue jays that flitter past a bedroom window so fast that you only see a blur, "the dress" that a young woman sees in a store window, a necklace that a bride wears on the day she goes to make a covenant with her husband before God, and a streak of hair on a man who slams his apartment door on the way out to a concert- not out of anger, but out of great anticipation. The color of rest, knowing, mystery, a long talk, loyalty, and simple pleasures.

Red: from the heart of the sun as it goes down into the rocks in Sedona, from the depths of a rose, blood from the hands of someone who died for the one they loved, a freshly painted barn, ripe tomatoes that hang still in the garden outside the window, the first red carpet ever put out in old Hollywood, and the lips of a woman. My lips. The color of a fire unattended, passion, a heart that's been turned over on its side, running as far as you can and further, telling the truth when you know it'll change things forever and accepting pain.

Green: the only thing you can see when you step into the majesty of Scotland, God's hand as it brushes the long grass fields through the wind, a kiwi and a sierra mist on a road trip, an evergreen tree - and how my mom used to tell us her love was like that...because evergreen trees never die during the winter months, a vine in the jungle that strangles one and makes a path for another, and a lizard's skin that only a child will stop to look at when he passes it at the zoo window. The color of summer sparks and rolling and playing and bumping heads. Of holding hands and a cartwheel and violins.

Yellow: a sweet little flower that pops up in the crack of a sidewalk, lemons in a basket at a farmer's market, the glow of a firefly as it dances whimsically through the darkness, a field of a million sunflowers - and the path that the lovers make as they run through, a bundle of balloons at a circus in the summer, a traffic light that's old and reliable- in the middle of New York City, the glow of stage lights under the curtain before a show, a long path lined with the trees affected by the autumn flow- yellow leaves covering the entire line of sight like a tunnel, the soft mist over a field just a moment after sunrise, and rain boots that you can see a mile away- even when its pouring. The color of piggy-back rides, spinning, a family picnic, skipping and tripping, the first moment with a newborn baby, a glance and a wink, and a blanket light enough to drape over your legs as you nap on a couch in a sun room during a lazy summer afternoon.

I have yet to see heaven. But God gives us glimpses. These colors have been prominent in the firey cracks of electricity flowing through my brain these days. With each one there are stories. And people yet to meet. And legends. And a joy that is too profound to even dictate. And hurt. And a way to expand and learn and trust that every moment of this life is meant to impact us. I couldn't escape it, and I would never want to. Who am I to deny God of little poems that He wants to whisper in my ear throughout the day? Who am I not to pay attention?

Some very real and crazy things are happening in my life.

-I'm leaving for Summer Project in just over 2 weeks.

-My sister is getting married.

-My best friend is PROBABLY getting engaged within the next year or so.

-My brother is graduating high school.

-I'm going to be a senior.

-I'll probably never live with Gina again.

-I'm living with some incredible, wonderful, Jesus-lovin' women next year. And I'm stoked.

-I'm learning how to play the guitar.

-My brother taught me how to longboard, and I really want to continue with it because it's just ridiculously fun.

-Probably won't get all *5 of us at the lake together this year.

These are things. Things that are important, and things that will drastically change the course of my life (YES! I WELCOME THIS!). And it will be scary. Haha. Sometimes I play it off like I'm so tough that things like this don't bother me. I don't like change sometimes. Not when it comes to not being able to cuddle up with my sister whenever I want (not that I get to anyway because I don't ...live near her...but you get the point), my brother "growing up" (although he's way bigger and more mature than me), and thoughts of living with my roommate of two years (and great friend since the first day of college) only memories of the past. People that I love- swerving in the lanes of their lives and in and out of mine. It's a treacherous road to travel. But God has been faithful in His promises to fulfill me completely.

I am excited. Mostly because throughout these changes, He's shown me a lot of beauty and MORE than that: He has been reminding me of what He's done for me AND those that I cherish in my life. They are in good hands. I can't be there all the time. And the tears that I shed in response to these changes are out of love. And that love only flows through me because of Him. Ahhh. What a humbling thought. I only love them because He loves us.

My heart turns violently inside of my chest~

Current musical inspiration: "More Than Words" -Extreme

I have some thoughts that have been building for a while, and they just recently came together in a complete connection. This week, I was blessed to come across the website, www.iamsecond.com. (Thanks, Chris). It's basically a sight where people share their stories of their own struggles, and also share the light that they've found in Jesus Christ. I was completely overwhelmed and amazed at how open and vulnerable these people were being, where anybody in the world could see it. The one that hit me the most was Brian Welch's story on his drug addictions (former bassist for the band, Korn). I was drawn to his video in the first place because he looks so rough around the edges in his picture. Just by looking at his face- at his eyes- you can tell that he has been through SO much; more than I could ever even imagine. But when he started to talk in his video, I could see the light that he had found. He was allowing God to run through him and embrace him, and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. All I could think about after I watched it was, "I want to be as real and genuine in my faith as this man."

Earlier this week, I watched a documentary in Modern Dance on Bill T. Jones's work, "Still/Here". It's a choreographed piece inspired by people who suffer from terminal illnesses. Well first of all, I was a total basket case the entire time. My heart was wrenching and tears were running down my face by the end. The documentary showed his entire process in creating this piece. Journalist Bill Moyers describes this process as this: "At workshops around the country, people facing life-threatening illnesses are asked to remember the highs and lows of their lives, and even imagine their own deaths. They then transform their feelings into expressive movement, which Jones incorporates into dance."

There was a moment during one of the workshops where a woman dealing with cystic fibrosis made a gesture (when asked to do so, to describe how they were feeling). She was reaching out with one hand, but then holding herself back with the other. She described what she was trying to illustrate as the frustration with wanting to reach out and help people, but feeling held back by her illness.

This woman was not a trained dancer. She was weak and small, and her movement was not the most graceful. But she was dancing. And more importantly, she was communicating. I started to think about dancers who have had years of training; who are borderline perfect in technique. They are graceful and lovely, and they move with a fluidity that takes your breath away. But something that sometimes lacks is the communication. It's the heart of it; the roots and wings of dance. The intentional conversation that you have with the audience. This woman, who was not a dancer at all, communicated her pain and frustration so clearly, and yet so simply. I must admit, it even shocked me.

My thought process has led me to this: I will be bold and say that if the misinterpretation of what it means to be a Christian is that I must know all the rules, pray at a certain time every day, do a certain amount of "good things", look like I know what I'm doing in front of others, never mess up, read a set amount of verses or chapters from the bible, or be in certain friend groups, then I will run from it. I desire a real, genuine, close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I will not fall into the lifestyle of living off a "checklist".

Lyrics from a song that inspired me at Oasis last night:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

The link to Bill T. Jone's Documentary: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/archives/billtjones_stillhere_flash.html

I highly suggest you take an hour to watch it. It is truly amazing.

_SEA

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned...

Hello beautiful people, beautiful world :).

I hope that as you are reading this, you are well. I hope you found something that made you laugh today, or at least smile (even if it's one of those half-grin ones). I have recently discovered a website called grooveshark (www.grooveshark.com), which has proven to be a great source of musical kicks and giggles. It's like Pandora radio, but you actually get to choose your own playlists. That being said, the current music of choice is the Robbie Seay Band (thank you, Katie!). I highly suggest it.

I hope your break has been restful and productive...or something of that nature. I know I definitely needed a rest. And even though a lot has happened over this break for me so far, I still feel like I've been able to stop and take a breath. I've been through some pretty intense things over the past weeks though. Indy Christmas Conference was like a blast of cool air. I learned a great deal, I was in the presence of approx. 2,000 other believers, God convicted me to act on some things that I was wrestling with in my heart, and to top it off-- I had an absolute blast. I'm just gonna highlight some of the best things:

1. Rooming with Ellie, Beth and Kaleigh for the week. SO good!

2. Our started and failed quote book for the week

3. Chris Helgeson showing up to pick the boys up in his huge van...and introducing himself with an accordion in hand

4. Rooming right across the hall from Dave, Drew, and two of their other friends from Miami :)

4. Josh Coy as the emcee

5. Exploring Indy with Erica on the first night. Just two curious little girls.

6. Everyone being there to learn and bond in fellowship. I was inspired by all the seeking hearts.

7. The home that I found in our Bowling Green group

8. The "Discerning God's Will" seminar

9. Seeing my worlds collide! Best example: seeing Ben Andrews and Katie Barnett work together to start the outreach day. I couldn't stop smiling whenever I saw them together. They are both from such different parts of my life, and I loved watching them interact.

10. Humbling myself under God to hear His voice

11. Meeting AJ, Beth's man!

12. The worship / prayer session to bring in the new year. Wow. What a powerful experience.

13. Very unlike previous parts of my life, actually wanting to go out and meet new people.

14. Black Eyed Peas- "I Gotta Feelin'"

15. Sitting with Ellie on the beds going back and forth coming up with "C" things in preparation for the C themed party that night...and just being absolutely absurd about it.

16. The support that I felt from my good friends

17. Feeling God wrapping His arms around me

18. The outreach day in general, and meeting a great friend named Zach Brittenham!

19. Walking in to 21+ bars unknowingly TWICE, and being refused service. Haha.

20. Drew Kelley's costume for the C party-- a cardigan

21. James McDonald, and how he made a blood vessel in my eye pop! Lol who does that?!

22. Seeing fellow BG'ers jammin' out with their banjos and guitars, and one of the hotel workers coming to join them

23. Talking to Alyssa Schlegal until 3 a.m. one night-- and learning the same night that it is (apparently) possible to break a finger by poking it into someone's fat

24. The great moments where you just breathe in a huge breath of peace and satisfaction

25. Little moments where I got to connect with Sandy Rieske and Amy Sieffert

So there's just a little taste for ya. I loved conference, and I hope I get the chance to go back next year :).

As for the here and now, my mom's having surgery tomorrow to get her thyroid taken out. Prayers would be fantastic. Apart from that, I have really been praying and thinking about summer project (www.gosummerproject.com). I'll keep y'all updated as things come along. I haven't sent in my application yet, though.

I'm thinkin a little road trip will be happening later this week. A kind of last hoorah for break.

Pictures of conference will be up soon!

_SEA