My heart turns violently inside of my chest~

Current musical inspiration: "More Than Words" -Extreme

I have some thoughts that have been building for a while, and they just recently came together in a complete connection. This week, I was blessed to come across the website, www.iamsecond.com. (Thanks, Chris). It's basically a sight where people share their stories of their own struggles, and also share the light that they've found in Jesus Christ. I was completely overwhelmed and amazed at how open and vulnerable these people were being, where anybody in the world could see it. The one that hit me the most was Brian Welch's story on his drug addictions (former bassist for the band, Korn). I was drawn to his video in the first place because he looks so rough around the edges in his picture. Just by looking at his face- at his eyes- you can tell that he has been through SO much; more than I could ever even imagine. But when he started to talk in his video, I could see the light that he had found. He was allowing God to run through him and embrace him, and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. All I could think about after I watched it was, "I want to be as real and genuine in my faith as this man."

Earlier this week, I watched a documentary in Modern Dance on Bill T. Jones's work, "Still/Here". It's a choreographed piece inspired by people who suffer from terminal illnesses. Well first of all, I was a total basket case the entire time. My heart was wrenching and tears were running down my face by the end. The documentary showed his entire process in creating this piece. Journalist Bill Moyers describes this process as this: "At workshops around the country, people facing life-threatening illnesses are asked to remember the highs and lows of their lives, and even imagine their own deaths. They then transform their feelings into expressive movement, which Jones incorporates into dance."

There was a moment during one of the workshops where a woman dealing with cystic fibrosis made a gesture (when asked to do so, to describe how they were feeling). She was reaching out with one hand, but then holding herself back with the other. She described what she was trying to illustrate as the frustration with wanting to reach out and help people, but feeling held back by her illness.

This woman was not a trained dancer. She was weak and small, and her movement was not the most graceful. But she was dancing. And more importantly, she was communicating. I started to think about dancers who have had years of training; who are borderline perfect in technique. They are graceful and lovely, and they move with a fluidity that takes your breath away. But something that sometimes lacks is the communication. It's the heart of it; the roots and wings of dance. The intentional conversation that you have with the audience. This woman, who was not a dancer at all, communicated her pain and frustration so clearly, and yet so simply. I must admit, it even shocked me.

My thought process has led me to this: I will be bold and say that if the misinterpretation of what it means to be a Christian is that I must know all the rules, pray at a certain time every day, do a certain amount of "good things", look like I know what I'm doing in front of others, never mess up, read a set amount of verses or chapters from the bible, or be in certain friend groups, then I will run from it. I desire a real, genuine, close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I will not fall into the lifestyle of living off a "checklist".

Lyrics from a song that inspired me at Oasis last night:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

The link to Bill T. Jone's Documentary: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/archives/billtjones_stillhere_flash.html

I highly suggest you take an hour to watch it. It is truly amazing.

_SEA